Already Enough or Enough Already?

How did my life get broken anyway? Or is only broken in my head? I don't think anyone else notices. I get a lot of "I don't know how you do it all!" comments. Do I really do it "all"? I suppose I do, but I don't think I do all of the all all that well.

And it's not like I think I have to be perfect but I have always longed to be better. A better student. A better daughter. A better homemaker. A better employee. A better friend. A better mother. A better wife.

Growing up the oldest of 4 put my in a position of responsibility. Never in control of our lives but always felt that I was responsible for keeping it together. Our mother was--and still is--somewhat of a free spirit. Plenty of love there but not a whole lot of the stability and that normalcy that I wanted and needed. I was always told how smart and grown up I was but I never really felt that way. I did feel like I needed to keep that front up, though. And I did know that I didn't want to grow up to live the same kind of lifestyle I lived as a child. I wouldn't work graveyard shift at a truck stop to feed my kids. I wouldn't live in a house with only a wood burning stove for heat. I wouldn't have to hope that one of my neighbors would turn my name in to the food bank so I could receive the Thanksgiving basket with a turkey in it so I could make we could have a proper holiday meal.

My life would be better. I'd be a better student and go to college. Have a real career. Live a better house and eat better meals off better plates at a better table in a better kitchen. I'd work hard to be better.

The truth is, I didn't have to work that hard. Getting the grades was easy. School was boring. By the time I was in high school, I almost never went to class. I could do almost nothing and still have a better GPA than most. I got a job and then a car when I was 16. But I wanted a better car. And a better job. Popping popcorn and then sweeping it up at the end of my shift at the movie theater wasn't good enough for me. After 6 weeks of that I went on to something better: making appointments at a portrait studio. But that job wasn't better. So I found another job. And soon after, another. Nothing was better. Everything was the same. Bland and boring and average.

I went onto college and moved to the big city on my own. I supported myself. I worked 2 jobs to pay my rent in my better apartment and pay my better car payment. I shopped in better stores and wore better clothes. This the beginning of my deceptive "doing it all" live. I was barely hanging on but I looked great doing it.

After college I went to Paris. Certainly things would be better there. Lots of things were better in Paris--amazing in fact-- and it was a great experience but when it ended, my life didn't feel any better. I came back and took my first job doing exactly what I thought I wanted to do. I hadn't even interviewed for the job. It was offered to me after having done internship there months before. It paid more than any job I'd interviewed for. Easy peasy, I had my first career level job. Four years later, I'd ruined that job for myself. Again, trying to live that better life brought to me a dead end and it was all my fault. That was 15 years ago. I've gone on to different --but not necessarily better--things.

I've spent a lot of time feeling like a fraud. I don't really want to be "better" now. I want to feel better, yes, but I think I really just want to be enough. I don't want to set another set of lofty goals for my body or my career or anything else. I just want to be comfortable in my skin and my clothes and my own mind. I don't want to have it all. I feel that I'm doing enough and enjoy that feeling.

What's the Point?

Do I want to wear cute clothes?

Yes.

Do I want to not hate being in photos?

Yes.

Do I want to buy a house?

Yes.

But most of, I want to feel like I've accomplished something. I've wasted so many years, wishing and hoping and waiting that I felt better, looked better, had something to show for working so hard and worrying so much.

I've set those goals before but let them slip away too quickly. I've finally realized that this isn't going to happen by setting short term goals or New Years Resolutions. I have to dedicate the rest of my life to what will make me feel happy. Buying a house will be great, but it's not going to be without it's own issues. Feeling cute in my clothes will be awesome, but it's not going to magically turn me into a happy person with no other worries. Accomplishing these goals will make me a more complete person in non-material, non-cosmetic ways. It's the way I've always wanted to live but have never made it a priority.

Start at the Ocean

Mind: Tennessee Cove. Need I say more?
Body: Set goals, weighed in (yikes), recorded meals, walked 4 miles.
Pocketbook: Dropped $15 at Peet's on New Years hot chocolate and treats for the kids. Ack.